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Brief Return 2011-10-27 - 10:25 p.m. I haven't written here in over four months. In most ways my other blog has been a good thing for me. But it keeps me from writing. Most nights I don't have something remotely beautiful to say. I have a routine. It is better than many other routines I've had in the past. I cook a lot. I am home a lot. But I have become too used to being alone. I've become too used in the insomnia, the doubt, the conversations that happen only in my head. I've grown up but I've disconnected. But what do I have to say? I am indifferent, cynical or depressed about far too many things. My hope and naivete are a bit too forced. Back in college I struggled in a way that way too many people saw. Now I am struggling without wanting to admit it, or knowing how to admit it? I guess that is how I end up writing here after such a long respite. Intellectually my life is great. I have almost everything I want to have. I am doing what I want to do. I am excited, in theory, about so many things. But the emotion isn't there, not like it has been, not like it should be. I know it is my fault. I know I need to change. The answers seem obvious to others but not to me. There is some fear, but there is also some comfort in my mediocrity, in knowing what to expect every night when I come home. Like I said, I don't have anything beautiful to say. I'm just watching a World Series game, anticipating a night without enough sleep, with too many things on my mind. It will probably be a long time before I write in here again. "Where you've been is good and gone, all you keep is the getting there." my last 5 entries:
2011-10-27: Brief Return
read a random entry: August 2002 - present
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